If you have any sound files to contribute (come on, just tape an episode of Saturday Night Live and make .wav files of some Phil lines...) please e-mail me.

worship.wav
All this can be yours if you bow down and worship me.

Newsradio

adequate1.wav
Bill McNeal: Well, I'm off to astonish the world with more feats of... ade-quata-quaticism.

adequate2.wav
Dave Nelson: Everything going... adequately?
Bill McNeal: Very adequately, sir! I'm virtually bursting with... adequatulence.

bill-lies-to-you.wav
Dave Nelson: Bill--
Matthew Brock: Yeah?
Dave: --tells you lies, because he thinks that's funny.
Matthew: I don't see what's funny about that.
Dave: That's kinda the point.

conclusions.wav
Dave Nelson: I think you're jumping to conclusions.
Bill McNeal: Dave, I stand still. The conclusions jump to me.

cracking.wav
Bill McNeal: If you crack first, Dave, it won't make you any less of a man.
Dave Nelson: I'm nowhere near cracking.
Bill McNeal: Neither am I, my friend.
Matthew Brock: Dave--
Dave: Oh, Matthew, what is it now? For God's sake, no one's smoking, okay?
Matthew: But--
Bill: But nothing!
Dave: You know, what we need around here is an anti-whining ordinance!
Bill: So just zip your snivelling little lip and haul your skinny ass outta here!! I don't think that qualifies as cracking, do you?
Dave: No, no. No.

gazizza.wav
Bill McNeal: Gazizza, Dilznoofus, this is Bill McNeal saying, get with the crazappy taste of Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor! Rocket Fuel's got the upstate prison flavor that keeps you ugly all night long. So when you want to get sick, remember, nothing makes your feet stank like Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor. Damn, it's crazappy!

goodtimes.wav
Bill McNeal: Poor little guy... good times.

hell-freeze-over.wav
Bill McNeal: Oh, I'd been told hell was going to freeze over...

ignore-bill.wav
Dave Nelson: As usual, I'm going to have to ask you all to ignore Bill. Looking around, I see you're all two steps ahead of me.

im-bill.wav
Bill McNeal: I'm Bill McNeal. WNYX newstime, four o'clock.

knocked-on-ass.wav
Bill McNeal: Prepare to be knocked on your ass.

need-education.wav
Bill McNeal: We don't need your education, we don't need your thought control!

never-liked-you.wav
Bill McNeal: There comes a time in every friendship when you have to say, "I never liked you, get lost."

not-retaliate.wav
Dave Nelson: For the sake of, uh, peace in the office, I need you not to retaliate, alright?
Bill McNeal: I have no intention of retaliating.
Dave: I appreciate you going to the trouble of lying to me, but I need you to actually not hit him.

pretty-like-me.wav
Bill McNeal: PRETTY! PRET...TY!! Like me!

rocket-fuel.mp3
Bill McNeal: Wassup y'all! Bill McNeal rockin' the mic again cold representin' Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor. It's got the mad flava that takes any situation to the next level. So when the party starts bouncin' and the ladies start bumpin', tighten up your flow with Rocket Fuel. Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor - damn!

santa.wav
Bill McNeal: The Santa Claus in the lobby wants to kill me.

screw-your-friends.wav
Bill McNeal: Then again, another wise man said, "If you can get more money, screw your friends."

screw-your-problem.wav
Bill McNeal: Screw your problem, I'm talking about me.

silence-please.wav
Bill McNeal: Silence, if you please!

spoiled-baby.wav
Bill McNeal: If I want to be treated like a spoiled baby, it's time I acted like one.

Saturday Night Live

just-a-caveman.wav
Phil Hartman: I'm just a caveman. Your world frightens and confuses me.

discov1.wav
Phil Hartman: So molecules are very, very small, then.
Jon Lovitz: Yes.
Phil: But you said they were just very small.
Jon: Yes.
Phil: So, you were wrong.

discov2.wav
Phil Hartman: The pedestal was too weak to hold the osmium, wasn't it, doctor?
Jon Lovitz: Yes.
Phil: Did you design these pedestals, doctor?
Jon: Yes.
Phil: Alright.

don't-tell-mrs-clinton.wav
Clinton: Lemme tell you something -- there's gonna be a whole bunch of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton

mccoy.wav
Kirk: Doctor McCoy, this man needs medical attention.
McCoy: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a -- oh... oh, sure.

mcmahon.wav
Carson: For those of you who just are joining us, this is our final show, and Ed is drunk.
McMahon: You are correct, sir! Yes!

mob-ties.wav
Cuomo: That's not the real issue here. The real issue is very simple: I have mob ties.

oconnor1.wav
Jon Lovitz: You'll never work in this town again!
Phil Hartman: Don't leave me hanging by a thread, let me know where I stand!
Jon: I think you're the worst actor I've ever seen and I get 500 letters a day telling me the same!
Phil: What's the word on the street?

oconnor2.wav
Phil Hartman: Is it the bills?
Jon Lovitz: No
Phil: The sheep?
Jon: No
Phil: The ducks?
Jon: No
Phil: Your wife?
Jon: No, it's -- WHAT?
Phil: WHAT?
Jon: WHAT?

sassy1.wav
Phil Hartman: Sprechen sie sassy?

sassy2.wav
Phil Hartman: I just stepped in a big pile of sassy.

sinatra.wav
Sting: Don't provoke me, old man.
Sinatra: You don't scare me, I've got chunks of guys like you in my stool.

susan.wav
Susan: First of all I would push you to the ground, pee on you chanting "House on fire, house on fire, put it out, put it out." Then I would force you to drink antifreeze until you passed out, and then you would wake up in excruciating pain with a size seven poop-chute.

tredway.wav
Jan Hooks: That's great, Ross. What uh.. what, what show will you be doing?
Ross Tredway: Zorba the Greek.

Simpsons: Lionel Hutz

bad-court-thingy.wav
Lionel Hutz: I move for a bad-court-thingy.
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Hutz: Yeah! That's why you're the judge and I'm the law... talkin' guy.
Judge: The lawyer.
Hutz: Right.

judges-son.wav
Lionel Hutz: Uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Schneider.
Marge Simpson: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly," and the word "dog"... with "son."

Simpsons: Troy McClure

anecdote.wav
Troy McClure: That's too funny! I can't remember when I've heard a funnier anecdote. Okay, now you tell one.

get-high.wav
Troy McClure: There's more than one way to get high, baby.

mcclure-coweatu.wav
Troy McClure: Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about.

troy-carnegie.wav
Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as "The Greatest Story Every Hula-ed" and "They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall.

troy-dinner.wav
Troy McClure: It's Troy McClure. You may remember me from such dates as last night's dinner.

troy-drivered.wav
Troy McClure: Hi, I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such drivers' ed films as "Alice's Adventures Through the Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot."

troy-fox-specials.wav
Troy McClure: Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such FOX network specials as "Alien Nose Job" and "Five Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show."

troy-kiosk.wav
Troy McClure: Welcome to the Knowledgeum. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstroms?" While you're enjoying our hall of wonders, your car will unfortunately be subject to repeated break-ins...
Homer: What'd he say? What about my car?

troy-metric.wav
Troy McClure: Hello, I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such educational films as "Lead Paint: Delicious but Deadly" and "Here Comes the Metric System."

troy-mothball.wav
Troy McClure: Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional videos as "Mothballing Your Battleship" and "Dig Your Own Grave and Save."

troy-psycho.wav
Troy McClure: Hello everybody, I'm Troy McClure, star of such films as "P is for Psycho" and "The President's Neck is Missing."

troy-self-help.wav
Troy McClure: Oh, hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Confident, Stupid."

troy-spinoff.wav
Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such TV spinoffs as "Son of Sanford and Son" and "After Mannix."

troy-telethon.wav
Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as "Out with Gout '88" and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House."

troy-tornado.wav
Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as "Designated Drivers: The Lifesaving Nerds" and "Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness." I'm here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting, thereby completing my plea bargain with the good people of FootLocker of Beverly Hills.

troy-xmasape.wav
Troy McClue: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such cartoons as "Christmas Ape" and "Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp."